How to Deal With MASHers
by Terri Granger
Summary: Just Sherman Potter's attempt to prepare whomever the Army in its infinite wisdom decides to assign to the 4077the when he gets shipped off to the funny farm, for the bunch of screwballs and characters they will be working with.
1. Potter's Intro

I don't own M*A*S*H. CBS does. (I thin. Some yank company does, anyhow.)

Many thanks to my wonderful co-author, BeaHawk.

* * *

Maddening M*A*S*Hers

He was feeling rather frazzled. And not because there had been a sudden rush of patients. Oh no, THAT he could deal with. It was when they didn't have any patients that everything often went to hell. Just like today Army training hadn't prepared him for how to deal with a bunch of screwballs who didn't have anything to do.

The 4077th was bored out of its skull. So bored that Klinger's new unit magazine sounded like a good idea. So bored that they wanted to write columns for it, and were angry when someone mixed the columns up, even though the results were often quite humorous, once you got used to them.

Well, you really have to admit it, fashion advice and cooking advice should not go together, but it is funny to read about how to dress a lobster, and how to boil a velvet gown. Makeup and animal care shouldn't go together, but learning to apply rouge to a guinea pig is actually funny, once you realise it isn't realistic, but it could be cute if it was drawn as a cartoon.

And beauty tips really don't belong in the horoscope, but it could be funny to see which moisturisers etc were best for each sign of the zodiac. Really. Well, maybe it could. If the whole outfit wasn't so mad about it. Really, it was funny. Very funny. It was a real shame no=one else saw it that way. And everyone was so damn easily riled up, these days.

Honestly, he felt like leaving behind a few lists, of what to avoid doing or allowing to happen, should one wish to lead a relatively peaceful life, just to warn whoever the poor misguided fool who took over the camp when he finally shipped out to the funny farm was. God knows, he would have appreciated a few lists when he first joined the unit. Might have avoided a few conflicts. Then again, maybe not.

Finally, smiling at the idea of telling someone, even if it was just a piece of paper, he picked up his favourite pen, and placed it thoughtfully on the blank sheet in front of him. Who should the first list be about? What should the first list be? Ways to annoy? Ways to placate? Camp activities?

At last he reached a decision. He would start with Hawkeye. List what annoyed the man, what made him laugh, what he enjoyed doing. Then he would do the same process with Margaret. Then he'd see who he wanted to warn his successor of next. Probably Burns. Maybe MacIntyre or Hunnicut. Possibly Winchester. Nah, they could wait. Once he had finished with Margaret's list, he was writing one on Klinger.

* * *

Well, just in case you hadn't noticed, this first chapter is from the point of view on Col. Sherman Potter, sitting at his desk, reading an issue of the 4077's daily magazine.


	2. Horrifying Hawkeye

I do not own "The Taming of the Shrew" William Shakespeare's estate does. All other important information is in chapter one. Beahawk, you're the greatest. Thanks for numbers 6-10. Much love, Terri G-D

* * *

Horrifying Hawkeye

Sherman Potter sucked on the end of his pen, before placing it back onto the notepad in front of him. He had worked out the title for his first list. He would call it "Horrifying Hawkeye", and it would be a list of the top ten ways to truly infuriate, aggravate and generally piss off Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce.

Smiling, he started to write, occasionally laughing as more inspiration came to him, or as he heard the general activity of the compound. What appears below was the finished version of the list, after many tries, and several revisions. Included are some of Potter's personal feelings about a few of the items on the list.

* * *

The Top 10 Ways to Horrify Hawkeye Pierce

**1:** Franklin Marion Burns. Really. Just Franklin Marion Burns.

Also known as "Ferret Face". Is a Regular Army 'clown', as the folks here would say. Far too regular Army to belong on a medical post. Burns has an attitude problem, is officially, (according to the army, in other words) second in command of this post, and is a useless surgeon. Do NOT let him near patients who need emergency care. This man sent in an American hangnail patient in favour of a POW who had shrapnel in his gut and a punctured lung. Thank God my predecessor made Hawk Chief Surgeon. We'd never cope, otherwise.

**2:** Charles Emmerson Winchester III in what we 'lovingly' call 'snob mode'.

Is a good surgeon. Truly a good surgeon. Almost polar opposite of Frank. Is also more than slightly in love with himself. IS a decent man with a taste for the finer things in life, but can be rather snobbish. Has blood so blue its been diagnosed with hypothermia. Born with a silver scalpel in his hand, and a silver spoon in his mouth. Despite this, not actually too bad, when he decides to drop the 'I'm better than everyone else' act.

**3: **BJ Hunnicut's name. Just WHAT does 'BJ' stand for?!?!

Actually has been interesting to watch this saga. I'm wondering what 'BJ' stands for myself, although I'm not quite as obsessive about it as Hawk is.

**4:** Margaret 'Hot-Lips' Houlihan in 'shrew mode'.

Margaret's moods change a lot. While none of us ever thought we'd feel sorry for Frank, we often feel bad for him because of the way Margaret treats him, sometimes. Her tempter can be truly impossible, and when she decides to flirt, she plays the field. Quite frankly, Shakespeare had the right idea on how to deal with this one. Have often considered following his lead. Probably will, one day soon.

**5:** Patients dying on him.

Pierce regularly uses "Live, dammit, live. Don't let the bastard win" in OR. I was once asked what that meant, by a general's aide who was scouting for a personal physician for the general. All I could say was "death. When it comes to this game, Pierce is a sore loser." It's true. I'm waiting for him to crack up because of it.

**6:** Army bureaucrats. Or, as Pierce refers to them, bureauBRATS.

Actually, have to agree with him here. Never liked army red tape. Also never liked army abbreviations. Hell, I nearly fell off my chair laughing when told of one time when a visiting lieutenant had referred to himself as a member of "Integrated Acc/Fin' (I think that was the term) and Hawk replied, "Hawkeye Pierce- Aggravated Doc/Surg"! Hell that was funny!

**7:** Plan a surprise Birthday party for him.

Well, that was a fiasco all around. He knew all along, it turned out. And, in the end, the 'birthday boy' wasn't there, so we had to substitute a visiting officer from the British forces. That day was really, really good fun, but I do fell sorry for Hawk's frustration about it.

**8:** Tell him all the nurses on the post have made a vow of chastity.

Pierce is, unfortunately, a hopeless womaniser Having said that, most of the staff ignore this behaviour. They seem to tolerate him, because he flirts with everyone, and never bothers to try to hide it. Margaret declaring the nurses off limits can make for a tense week, until she reverses the decision because obviously no-one's paying attention to it.

**9: **Read him BJ's letters from home. Repeatedly. Especially the ones where Erin's going through toilet training.

Actually, this works with anyone's letters from home. Particularly if there's a problem he can't help with. Also works with Crabapple Cove Courier, if 'incredibly average Vernon Parsons' is in it for any reason. Would be funny if the result of Hawk's sulks when this is done to him didn't split the whole camp six ways from Sunday.

**10:** Instead of a court-marshall, force feed him liver and fish for ten days whenever he breaks army regulations.

NOT to be done if you value your life. "I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! We're not going to take this dreck any more! I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions." Yeah, a Hawkeye Tantrum is to be avoided at all costs. Especially since the whole camp usually joins in.

* * *

All reviews will be gratefully received. Please send a message to BeaHawk if you review this, since it's her work too. And any suggestins will be very much appreciated.


End file.
